Wednesday, December 25, 2013

War On Christmas Again

          Frank, I haven't spoken you in a while, as I've been quite busy smiting the shit out of people who were unlucky enough to be born in sub-Saharan Africa or other poverty-stricken areas. Also, I have some tectonic plates to move; earthquakes don't cause themselves. Plus, there are just so many kids to kill with cancer, and it's just like busy, busy, busy; where or WHERE can I find the time to talk to My latest prophet, you know? Umm ... what was I talking about?

          I think Your Holiness wanted to say something regarding the War On Christmas.

          That's right, thank you! Look, the Atheist Liberation Front of the United States of America (ALFUSA) ...

          That definitely does not exist. 

          Yes, it does, and they are planning an offensive into Tulsa, Oklahoma to split the Christian forces' supply lines, according to My intelligence source, which consists of My own omniscience, which is pretty reliable. They currently have three legions on the Arkansas River, heading towards Tulsa, where they will launch an amphibious assault at the border of the city. They then plan to attack the Christian defenses on both their north and south flanks, enveloping the city in a pincer movement, a statement that might make sense, though this author clearly doesn't want to do any research to find out. If they take Tulsa, the Christian army will not have prayer.
          I need you to stop this, by any means necessary. Feel free to pray, so that at any time I may or may not decide to invoke My omnipotence to fix everything. I usually don't, but you never know. I work in mysterious ways.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Treatment of Women

        Frank, tell your entire country -- good Christians and secular heathen blasphemers alike -- to stop treating women like human beings. I make it quite clear in the Bible that they're just property.

       Where do You say that? Is it in the Old Testament? You see, secularist don't believe any of the Bible, but even Christians don't really believe the Old Testament. They rationalize it to death; they claim every interpretation is taken out of context, even when it clearly isn't. It's tough to get them to take it seriously, except for a select few passages that they like and want to post up in public places to shove down the throats of everyone who disagrees with them.

       YEAH!!!! I love when My peeps oppress all you disgusting heathens.
       But anyway, that's another story. Back to women. Here's the good news, you don't have to go back the Old Testament. It's quite clear even in the New Testament. Just give them this one:

I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be quiet.
(Timothy 2:12,NIV)

       They can't rationalize this one away. First of all, it's in the New Testament, not the Old. Secondly, it's straight from Paul's mouth, the one they trust because he, more than anyone else, lets them know that everyone who isn't a Christian goes to Hell. My peeps know that Paul is My boy, and he wouldn't lie to them or lead them astray when discussing Christian morality and proper Christian behavior. I am certain that they won't be able to rationalize this one away.

       I'm quite sure they can. And they do. And they will here as well. Somehow, if the Bible says something they don't like, they claim everyone is misinterpreting it. But I'll give it a shot.

       Well, let them know that, if they dismiss this passage, they can dismiss anything else in the New Testament. And if they do that, they might stop believing in Jesus. And I have special place set aside -- a place filled with terror and anguish and misery and torment and torture and agony and despair -- for everyone who doesn't believe in Jesus.
       And always remember how much I love you.

Friday, September 20, 2013

Salvation, Part III

Hello there, heathen. Talk some more about salvation today. It's the most important part of the Jesus story, the carrot the holds the fantasy together, the promise that keeps My followers faithful, the threat that holds their feet to the fire, and I need you to discuss it more today. 

No problem, Your Awesomeness. Shoot.

I just want everyone to join the Jesus club. There's no other way to the good place. And without Him(Me), you go to the bad place forever -- which is a long time.

Pretty sure they've heard that, but sure, I'll give it another go. There are just so many questions, though, in addition to what we've already discussed. What, for example, should I tell them about people who lived BC?

My supporters all have different stories there. But they pretty much agree that, somehow, the rules were different then. Maybe the rule was that people had to be Hebrew to be saved. Maybe the rule was  people had to -- and we stretch semantics to their very limit to make this possible -- somehow have Christ in their hearts, even though Jesus hadn't existed yet. But the long and the short of it is that the rules were different.

Skeptics can't possible reason with the idea that an omnibenevolent deity would make different rules for different people who clearly had no choice in the time of their birth. What if, for example, a Buddhist person follows the same exact mental and emotional path that one of those somehow-saved BC people did? Does this person go to Heaven or Hell?

Hell, because I can't let in any person without Christ to wash away his sins.

As an aside, why don't you say "his or her" or "her or his"?

Read the Bible, and you'll know that I don't give a shit about the "her" half of the population. They're just property.

So back to our discussion. People before BC somehow could make it into Heaven without believing in Jesus, but people now -- let's stick with the example of Buddhists -- somehow can't, even if they orient their lives in the exact same way as the BC people?

This is correct. 

So, it's just a punishment for picking the wrong religion.

Don't say it that way. It hurts our cause. So no. But yes.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Salvation, Part II

You really need to post again. It's been far too long before you performed your duties as My latest prophet. Besides, I have more explanations regarding that exclusive salvation crap.

Sorry, Lord. I've been extremely busy. What do You have to tell me today?

Well, another explanation for My mean salvation policies is quite simple: it's not My fault. You see, it's not that I don't want to save people from the hell I created. I'd love to, but I just can't. It's beyond My control. There can be no sin in Heaven, and the only way to wash sins away is to believe that the translations and revisions of 66 particular books written by about forty or so authors between 1500 BC and 200 AD which offer no evidence of their veracity and a mountain of evidence against it. You see, there's just nothing I can do about it. I can't create any other method by which they may absolve themselves from sin. It makes Me sad, of course.

It seems remarkable that it's beyond the control of an omnipotent being, one that ostensibly made all the rules in the first place.

It may seem weird, but that's how it is. I just can't allow the overwhelming majority of the people in the world into Heaven, because they're stained with sin.

But you allow children into Heaven, ones that haven't accepted Jesus as their savior but die before they reach the age of accountability?

Well, sure, I make exceptions for them. I'm not a monster.

But that means You can allow sin into Heaven, since You do it for children. So, it's not a matter of being able to save non-Christians from eternal torture, but a matter of Your desire to punish them for picking the wrong religion.

Oh, well, perhaps I can't make the whole "beyond My ability" argument. But I'm not torturing them for picking the wrong religion; I'm doing it because they refused to accept My grace.

And how does one accept Your grace?

By believing Christianity. 

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Salvation Part I

     So, Your Holiness, I’ve been wondering, how come non-Christians can’t go to Heaven?

     Hello? Have you really not heard this story yet? Everyone is a sinner, so everyone deserves to rot in hell for all of eternity for being a sinner. That’s the way I created them: sinners who deserve hell. Then, I sent My(Self) son, Jesus Christ, down to earth to sacrifice Him(My)Self, so that all who believed in Him(Me) would get their sins washed away. Then they get to go to Heaven! That’s my Awesomeness at work. You’re welcome.

     Then why don’t You just tell everyone which is the correct religion? Audibly, I mean, with sound waves. Why the games? Don’t You want everyone in Heaven?

     That’s because I want them to have faith.

     So faith is the key virtue?


     But that’s not true, because people of all religions have faith, but they still spend eternity in Hell. Hindus, for example, have faith, but they don’t go to Heaven. So, it’s not a matter of having faith, but a matter of having the correct religion, which means it’s a matter of knowledge. So, the truth is that “correct knowledge” is the way to Heaven. People must accept the correct religion, and reject all the false ones, in order to attain salvation. So, it’s not “faith” that saves people, but knowledge. It’s a matter of getting the right answer to the question. Why don’t You say that?

     That makes Me sound mean, don’t you think? I don’t like that at all. I’ll keep the convention of chalking it all up to faith, so we get to judge all others, judge them as simply not being repentant enough to accept Jesus Christ; of being too wrapped up in sin to allow themselves to accept what they know is true; of being too addicted to sin to let it go. This way, we get to judge, condemn, chastise, demean. These are fun, Christian things to do, which you’d know if only you read your Bible more. This line of reasoning allows My supporters to feel superior to others; to believe that they are better people because they can admit they’re sinners and the others cannot.
     Just chalking it up to having the correct knowledge makes Me sound like a big meany-head, like all of eternity just boils down to luck. My supporters don’t want to believe that eternal fate is determined only by being able to get the right answer to a question.

     But that is, of course, the truth. It has nothing to do with the ability to humbly repent; after all, those Hindus I discussed can be very repentant as well, but they go to Hell for eternity. So, it’s a matter of knowledge, not faith.

     Well, I created many people too stupid to pick the right religion, so they go to Hell. They should not have chosen to be created too stupid to pick the correct religion. That’s their fault.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Why Don't Skeptics Want to Believe in Jesus?

Please ask your skeptical friends why they don’t want to believe in Me. It’s awesome to believe! You get to be happy knowing that you’ll go to Candyland when you die and live forever with rainbows and candy canes, while everyone who chooses not to believe spends all of eternity being poked with Satan’s pitchfork while being burned to a crisp. Why would anyone not want to believe this Awesomeness? 

Well, I could talk to them, but you see, it has nothing to do with what they want to believe, but rather when they actually believe. There’s a big difference between what someone wants to be true, and what she or he thinks is true. There’s a difference between desire and belief. I think many of Your supporters don’t really understand that.
I’ll give you an example if Your Holiness will stay with me for just a minute. On plenty of occasions in my life, I’ve asked girls out who responded by laughing in my face. Now, I want to believe that the only reason they all did that is because they were intimidated by how tall and attractive I am. However, a critical analysis of the evidence yields a different conclusion. So you see, in this case, it’s not about what I want to be true, but what I actually think is true. They’re different. This is the case for many atheists. Many may want to believe in an omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, benevolent being who could end human suffering by snapping his or her fingers, but the available evidence doesn’t lead them to that conclusion.
So, this really isn’t about what skeptics want, but what they think. They’ll need evidence, not promises of Candyland and threats of fire and pitchforks.

Hmmm, that really hurts our narrative. You see, My supporters want to accuse all atheists of being a bunch of arrogant jerks who simply decide to disbelieve in Me because they can’t let go of their sin. I’m going to stick with that, and disregard everything you just said. So, again, go tell your skeptic friends that it’s awesome to believe in the Bible, because I’m Super Awesome and Compassionate; furthermore, if they don’t believe, I punish them for an infinite amount of time.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

The War on Christmas

Frank, I’ve got to tell you, and you’ve got to tell the people of earth, about the war on CHRISTmas that is being waged by the secularists of the United States. This very important issue is causing us much consternation up here inside the pearly gates. It seems that many people are saying “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry CHRISTmas,” thereby granting that there exist other holidays besides CHRISTmas.

Well, clearly, such holidays do exist. In fact, people have been celebrating Solstice holidays for thousands of years, well before Christianity. Egyptians celebrated the return of Horus, and Norsemen celebrated Odin with Yule, just to name a couple. And of course, we also have Hanukkah and Kwanzaa. Actually, Christmas was placed around the Solstice to coincide with the holidays various pagan religions already recognized.

Sure, these holidays exist, and those who worship Satan and eat babies will celebrate them. I hope the fun they have is worth the eternity they’ll spend getting stabbed by Satan’s pitchfork. But it hurts My feelings, and My supporters are quite understandably offended, when We are denied Our right to force Our religion down everyone’s throat. Why must people get offended just because someone might say “Merry Christmas”? They’re so touchy. Why did the secularists start this war?

They didn’t. Fox news did. Secularists don’t complain when people say “Merry Christmas,” but Christian evangelical theocrats complain when people say “Happy Holidays.” So, it’s Your side that started all of this. Secularists don’t care, Fox News does.

 Listen, I created the universe, and I make the rules. It’s OK for My supporters and Me to get offended at “Happy Holidays,” but it’s not OK for your secular friends to get offended at “Merry CHRISTmas.” Those are the rules. 
While we’re at it, we’re going to put the Ten Commandments up in courtrooms and schools, because My supporters are adamant that religious freedom means allowing others the privilege of being forced to believe Our religion. And see to it that other religions are outlawed. After all, why must those secularists infringe on Our rights to infringe on the rights of others? That way, everyone can by happy Christians and share in the glory of My(Self) Son, Jesus. Everyone is welcome!
No gays, please.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Election 2012 Info: More on Akin and Mourdock Rape Comments

           This is on edit. The good Lord is really upset about the results of the United States presidential election. He really wanted the Republican candidate to win the, because that party is sufficiently sexist, misogynistic, homophobic, and Xenophobic, but alas, the country voted for the more tolerant party to maintain control of the white house and the Senate. Yahweh is at least heartened that the GOP maintained control of the House of Representatives. I haven't spoken (audibly) with His Awesomeness since before the election, November 4, but the following is what He told me on that day.


Hi Frank, because of the upcoming election, let Me get back to Todd Akin’s assertion that pregnancy from rape is difficult because the female body has ways of “shutting the whole thing down.” See, this is true, and it’s an important concept to be aware of, but it’s not the only proof of My intelligent design of the universe. Consider also the following scientific facts.
  • If someone ties you to a train track, and it’s a legitimate attack, your body will find a way to create a worm hole and escape to another galaxy! True story. 
  • If someone throws you into the middle of a deserted area, and you can’t find any food, your body will find a way to convert the light directly into useable energy, like photosynthesis. You don’t turn green, either, because the human body just has a way of maintaining the same skin pigment in this case.
  • If someone tries to murder you by intentionally hitting you with a vehicle, your body will find a way to momentarily reverse entropy so that the collision will heal you rather than harm you.
  • If someone throws you off of a cliff, I gave the human body the ability to momentarily convert its feet into anti-gravity boots. You have to pray for this one, though; sometimes, I just like to ask for a little something in return.

                Also, in considering rape babies, remember the Mourdock principle: in any scenario, including but not limited to the above, if anyone succeeds in hurting you intentionally, any unintended positive effects are a realization of My will. For example, imagine you get mugged, and your assailant is slamming your face directly into a concrete sidewalk. Just then, you see a nice, shiny penny, with heads facing up, which indicates good luck. After the mugger runs away with your wallet, you take the penny and then enjoy some good luck. That was My will. The mugging was not, of course. I take over after the bad thing happens and cause good things. The bad things are the fault of Satan and/or human free will.

Monday, October 29, 2012

Vote Republican: Legitimate Rape and Pregnancy

Frank, for whom are you voting in these upcoming elections?

Oh, I don’t like to tell who I’m voting for. I will say that the decades-old economic debate in this country is an important one, with intelligent, well-educated, and well meaning people on both  (or all) sides of the fence. I wish the debate could be a bit more civil, but it’s a good one to have. I more often than not come down on one side of these economic issues, but I greatly respect smart and rational people on the other side as well. I’ll also change my mind often, because I look at the facts and evidence, and I can certainly be convinced by one side or the oth…

All right, shut up. I didn’t want an essay response. I’m here to tell you two things, and only two things: 1) You must vote Republican, and 2) The only important issues are the social issues. 3) The economic issues don’t matter. 4) Neither do the foreign policy issues. 5) Environmental and other regulatory issues are also irrelevant. 6) Some Republicans are better than others. 7) Tea Party Republicans are better than more moderate ones. 8) Always vote for the most socially conservative Republicans in the primary. 9) Republicans are ALWAYS better than Democrats. 10) Always vote for the Republican against the Democrat in the general election, even if the former is a lowly, moderate piece of shit. 11) You’re going to Hell.[1]

Thanks for keeping the list to two, as You promised. So why must we vote Republican? Is it because of abortion and same-sex marriage?

Yeah, those, among other social issues. All My good supporters are Republicans. Good Christian Republicans are smart, and those evil Me-hating Democrats are stupid. We have some gems running in this election: Todd Akin, for example. He’s running for Senate in Missouri, and he’s extremely smart! Smart enough to know that rape can’t cause pregnancy! He knows these smart-people things because he studies the Bible, the only book anyone should ever read. All those stupid, liberal professors in Ivy League schools aren’t smart enough to know that rape can’t cause pregnancy, because they spend all their time studying all the wrong books, instead of the Bible. Those idiots actually think that rape can cause pregnancy, even stating that this idea is "scientific” and “factual” and “true.”
That’s the problem with these godless Democrats. They believe in godless science instead of wise biblical science, so they don’t understand Intelligent Design. When people are wise in the ways of real science, they understand Intelligent Design, so they know that rape can’t cause pregnancy. Why would I design the universe that way? Why would I allow rape to cause pregnancy? Don’t you think that an omnipotent, benevolent being would design the universe such that forcible rape couldn’t cause pregnancy?

That is actually a good point. In an intelligently designed universe, rape would never cause pregnancy.[2]

Right, exactly. You’re catching on. So, Todd Akin is a wise, very wise, fellow who knows that when the rape starts, I use My Awesomeness to shut that female body down so she won’t be impregnated by the rapist!
We also have Richard Mourdock, who's running for Senate in Indiana. This guy is super smart and godly! When he gets to Heaven, he’s getting TWICE the average number of Candy Canes! He knows that when rape causes pregnancy, it is simply My will in action! Now, the rape itself is not, of course, My will. Everyone knows that. That’s due to human free will and Satan. But, as Rachel Maddow of MSNBC said, once the rape is underway, I then become present to give the woman a wonderful gift, a blessing from Heaven: a baby from the rapist!

That sounds wonderful. Also, didn't You just say that rape can’t cause pregnancy?

Correct. It can’t. That’s how I intelligently designed the universe.

But then You said that Mourdock is correct when he says that rape babies are Your will. How can they be Your will if they don’t exist?

I’m capable of logical impossibilities. You’d know that if you read the Bible.

I’m very confused.

Your confusion is Satan’s fault. Anyway, that’s all for now, but within the next few days, I need you to write a follow-up to this. We’re going to expand on this idea that rape can’t cause pregnancy, because I intelligently designed the universe like that. We’re going to see some of the other quality control mechanisms that I built into the universe. In short, we’ll see more of My Awesomeness that you all must admire before I send the vast majority of you to Hell.

[1] This one is not really related, but I can’t stress it enough. You’re going to Hell.
[2] I’m actually quite convinced that, in such a universe, its ruler would never allow rape to occur in the first place. But we’ll confront the “human free-will” and “Satan did it” arguments at another time.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Rapture Time ... Soon

Frank, you haven’t posted in a while. Don’t make Me fire your ass and get MySelf a new prophet.

Sorry, I’ve been quite busy lately, working three jobs, going to grad school, and raising the kids.

Why the hell are you going to school? Didn’t I tell you college is for the heathens? All the answers you need in life are in the Bible, so you don’t need all those other books.

Well, in addition to my intrinsic love of learning, this degree is actually necessary to pursue my career goals.

You actually don’t need a career, because the world is ending soon. I have yet to tell you about the Book of Revelation, huh?

I’m afraid you haven’t. I hope there’s some good evidence in there that I could use to convince the skeptics.

Absolutely, there is, but more importantly, it issues a stark warning to all of humanity that the end of the world is near. Just look at the opening verses: The revelation from Jesus Christ, which God gave him to show his servants what must soon take place. He made it known by sending his angel to his servant John, who testifies to everything he saw—that is, the word of God and the testimony of Jesus Christ. Blessed is the one who reads aloud the words of this prophecy, and blessed are those who hear it and take to heart what is written in it, because the time is near (Revelation 1:1-3).

Fantastic, it says twice that the events must take place in the near future.

Yes, it’s true. It will happen soon.

But the book was written around 90 AD, so hasn’t it already been proven false?

Not at all. I said “soon.” It’s intentionally vague. It’ll happen soon. It’s always soon.

When does “soon” become “now”? Everything I read in this book makes it more difficult to convince the skeptics. It’s pretty obvious that the author of Revelation thought that it was going to happen within his lifetime. That it did not happen just further destroys the credibility of the Bible.

I tend to procrastinate a lot. You’ve probably seen quite a few students like that in your time, I imagine. Besides, what’s a couple thousand years compared to the age of the universe?

Well, almost nothing, but it’s a very long time relative to a human life, and clearly the author thought it would all come to pass before he died. Besides, that’s the scientific view. I thought that according to the Bible the earth and universe are less than 10,000 years old?

Look, the Rapture will happen soon. It says in the Bible that no one knows the date, which is convenient, so we can’t be judged by failed predictions. It’ll just happen “soon,” which means whenever, which means it can’t be proven false. I like things that absolutely cannot be proven false, regardless of the magnitude of the evidence against it.