Frank, I haven't spoken you in a while, as I've been quite busy smiting the shit out of people who were unlucky enough to be born in sub-Saharan Africa or other poverty-stricken areas. Also, I have some tectonic plates to move; earthquakes don't cause themselves. Plus, there are just so many kids to kill with cancer, and it's just like busy, busy, busy; where or WHERE can I find the time to talk to My latest prophet, you know? Umm ... what was I talking about?
I think Your Holiness wanted to say something regarding the War On Christmas.
That's right, thank you! Look, the Atheist Liberation Front of the United States of America (ALFUSA) ...
That definitely does not exist.
Yes, it does, and they are planning an offensive into Tulsa, Oklahoma to split the Christian forces' supply lines, according to My intelligence source, which consists of My own omniscience, which is pretty reliable. They currently have three legions on the Arkansas River, heading towards Tulsa, where they will launch an amphibious assault at the border of the city. They then plan to attack the Christian defenses on both their north and south flanks, enveloping the city in a pincer movement, a statement that might make sense, though this author clearly doesn't want to do any research to find out. If they take Tulsa, the Christian army will not have prayer.
I need you to stop this, by any means necessary. Feel free to pray, so that at any time I may or may not decide to invoke My omnipotence to fix everything. I usually don't, but you never know. I work in mysterious ways.